The Good work of Parenting Missionary Kids
I had just broken up a fight over a toy and steered my son into the kitchen. “I see this toy is causing too much of a problem between you and your sister, so I’m going to set it aside for right now. Now, listen-”
I wanted to launch into the good work of parenting:
Explaining the difference between right and wrong
Coaching on how to make better choices
Guiding on how to repair the relationship after their spat.
But I was interrupted.
“I miss PNG!” he wailed, tears streaming down his face.
I’ve constantly heard the value of a good goodbye, but we didn’t get the chance when we found out that we’d never return to our home in Papua New Guinea again.
The ache was still raw for me, too.
But I was also frustrated.
Every time I tried to do the good work of parenting,
he’d pull this trump card:
Our tragic goodbye
Was he manipulating me?
But I had learned something recently that I didn’t quite believe yet.
“Kids don’t manipulate their parents; they do what it takes to get their needs met.”
I didn’t quite buy it, but I was willing to give the benefit of the doubt.
I chose to drop the instructional-parenting mode and step into the supportive-parent mode.
“I miss it too,” I said, opening my arms to comfort my son.
Eventually, I’d come to realize that moments like these (taking away a toy that he felt was rightfully his) were triggering for him, because it was the same emotional signature of his loss.
Leaving Papua New Guinea so abruptly felt like unfairly losing something.
Having a toy taken from him so abruptly felt like unfairly losing something.
Being told it’s time to go home so abruptly felt like unfairly losing something.
Learning it wasn’t his turn and another child going so abruptly felt like unfairly losing something.
And every time that these small disappointments popped up, it felt the same to him as the most traumatic loss of his life.
He wasn’t manipulating me.
He was just a small boy who, on top of having a spat with his sister, was just reminded of how much he missed his home.
This is where we can often get it wrong with our TCKs.
We expect grief to show up in predictable ways at predictable times. So we often mistake our kids’ grief for defiance, manipulation, or overreaction. That mistake means we can miss when our child is asking for their needs to be met. Admittedly, they are asking in terribly immature ways (almost as if they’re immature humans trying to figure out life for the first time).
I don’t know that I believe kids never manipulate their parents. But I do know that when I make sure my kids' needs are met, their behavior problems become a lot fewer. Here are three tools I use to make that happen.
Positive Childhood Experiences are research-based factors that have been shown to counteract the impact of childhood trauma on development. This is especially important for missionary kids, because they have a higher risk for developmental trauma than monocultural kids. There are 7 PCEs, and I try to make sure my kids have at least 6 at all times. It’s such a useful checklist.
Family Debrief - TCKs have so much transition in their lives that there’s a lot to process. Having a family debrief every four years or after a major loss helps us have open and honest conversations that bring us closer as a family. And it helps us deal with loss, so unprocessed grief doesn’t pop up so unpredictably.
Expat Family Connection Kit - This free kit has activities we love to revisit as a family that give us insight into each other’s experiences and help us stay in sync.
If behavior is sometimes an expression of overwhelm, grief, or unmet emotional needs, then the good work of parenting missionary kids is not just correcting behavior, but equipping and empowering our kids to carry hard things better.
Undoubtedly, hard things happen in life. But missionary kids often experience more than most: constant transitions, repeated goodbyes, living in difficult places, and the ache of loving people and places that are always far away. Over time, those experiences can accumulate as unresolved grief that later shows up in unpredictable ways, which parents often misinterpret as their child being “difficult” or “disobedient.” Or they can become reps of practice in emotional resilience.
The good work of parenting missionary kids is helping our children carry those hard things well.
We do that by staying connected as a family, processing grief intentionally, and filling their lives with positive, stabilizing experiences.
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