Alone
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I called my church planting director on a Monday. My decision not to continue with the church plant was clear but devastating.
The best way I can describe my experience over the next few months was “alone” ; Certainly, some people tried to support us, but it mostly became a series of awkward conversation here people didn’t know what to say, so they stopped saying anything. In hindsight, Brennan Manning described it best as being “ambushed by Jesus.” What I experienced in that season was both gut-wrenching and beautiful. I would never have chosen to go through it, but I am so thankful I did. God seems to specialize in bringing the biggest transformations through the desert.
Your desert may not be the result of a decision. Maybe it’s a geographic or language barrier that makes you feel separated. Different deserts bring the same disorientation. He used that wilderness experience to strip me of an identity that I had tried to build on ministry. I began asking questions like, “Who am I if I am not preaching?” ; “Who am I if I am not being helpful?” ;God began to father me into a renewed identity built on simply being His beloved son. This is not to say it was a once-and-done thing. It has been a journey, but I credit that season for opening my eyes to how I had been believing and living a lie: I am what I do.
Jesus was familiar with the desert. Shortly after his baptism, he was ushered into the desert by the Spirit to be tested. 40 days of fasting and isolation...until the enemy showed up. While our translations rush past most of the details, one phrase in Matthew 4:2 gives me pause. “He was hungry.” My sarcastic self wants to say, “no duh, really?” Yet those three words tell us Jesus wasn’t using super-God powers to make this time any easier. He was hungry because he was human. He experienced everything a human would go through after fasting for forty days in isolation. I honestly don’t have much experience with long fasts. The longest fast I have attempted has been three days. I did this while on a solitude retreat. My experience didn’t culminate in temptation. Frankly, I was bored most of the time. But it revealed something about me. God tapped my shoulder to reveal my false need for distraction.
By constantly consuming information and entertainment, I was trying not to pay attention to a deep feeling of loneliness. That is one of the things that God does best in solitude. He gets our attention. Pete Scazzero says that “in the desert — that solitary, undistracted place — we position ourselves to open the door of our hearts as best we can so that Jesus’ presence and His will have full access to every area of our life.” 1
1 Peter Scazzero, The Emotionally Healthy Leader: How Transforming Your Inner Life Will Deeply. Transform Your Church, Team, and the World (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 2015), 134.
